All Good News

A few weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up. I initiated it, but it was brutal. We both loved each other and thought we were on a path to building a family. I won’t go into the specifics of why the breakup, but I spent a week feeling sorry for myself, vaping, eating nothing but Domino’s, and binging Netflix. After a week, I decided I needed to stop and cope in a healthier way.

I went to a class that combines Platonic and Socratic philosophy with Eastern philosophy. The teacher gave us the assignment of stopping every time we felt overwhelmed or unsure of how we were going to react and ask ourselves “what would a wise person do here?”.

Maybe it was out of desperation, but I decided to religiously follow that question right after class no matter how painful.

Starting with “I’m hungry, time to get McDonald’s and vape”. Wait. No. Get a salad and go to sleep.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m so lonely. What do I do today?” You are going to build up your foundations. Every day you will meditate, journal, stay sober, work out, get good sleep, and eat as healthy as possible.

“My girlfriend just blew up at me while moving her stuff out. Time to text her back angrily.” No that’s not going to solve anything. Sit and meditate. Now realize your anger is a protection mechanism so you don’t have to be vulnerable that you hurt someone you cared about by breaking things off. You often don’t feel like you are a kind person, and you have to figure out where you lost that trust in yourself.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have been self medicating in so many ways to avoid feeling bad for over two decades. This is the first time I am actually facing my emotions and dealing with them with self compassion. I am on a life trajectory I never even knew was remotely possible.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I now look forward to facing situations I know will hurt or make me feel insecure just so I can meditate on them and reaffirm that I am enough and just figure out where I need to grow. It never feels good in the moment (and I have been putting myself in plenty of these moments), but the self confidence I gain after is unbelievable.

I’m guessing there might be many traps here. Maybe I’m getting too attached to the pace of my progress. Maybe I’m getting too attached to the energy I have from the breakup enduring. I don’t know, but all I know is that it’s working for me.

This experience has been so stark, it’s almost like I was living in black and white and now I can see color and the colors just keep getting brighter. I have no idea how vibrant things can get, but I plan on finding out.