The Reviews For These Sugar-Free Gummy Bears Will Have You In Tears Laughing
April 9, 2019
I will never eat Gummy Bears (that I didn't purchase myself) ever again after reading these hilarious horror stories due to the fear that someone may have bought this particular brand by accident.
Amazon sells sugar-free Gummy Bears that are basically laxatives that cause intense stomach problems. Some people ate them by accident, others took the challenge.
These are the reviews from Amazon. It didn't end well for anyone...
1. It's all true.. all of it.
I ate 6 of these things to aid along in digestion. I figured it was a tastier way to rid myself of a weeks worth of backup. I might as well have swallowed a nuclear bomb and topped it off with an enema. The good news is my digestive system is back on track. The bad news is I will never eat another gummy bear and may have flushed part of my soul down the toilet. God speed my friends...
2. The results are noxious and disgusting. Use at your own risk, and be prepared for a fate worse than death.
You do realize that these 'sugar free' bears have the exact same calories as the regular Haribo gummy bears!
I foolishly ignored the warnings and purchased a 5 lb bag of these potent evil apparitions posing as delectably tasty goodies.
The laxative effect of these ‘sugar free gummy candies' is nuclear. I first noticed rumblings as my intestines began a protest that escalated to world shaking levels. The gurgling and surging was grotesque. They continued to increase in both intensity and duration until the volume alerted all in the house of my impending explosion. Sphincter tightly clenched I urgently made the most awkward hurried hobbling walk to the bathroom. I arrived just barely in time as the propulsion became a cataract which physically lifted me forcefully off the seat of the commode. Without being able to grasp and maintain butt to commode seat integrity I shudder to wonder the scope of destruction of the resulting explosiveness.
The stench quickly overcame the exhaust fan, passive air freshener, aerosol spray, and tightly closed door. It was beyond awful. In an effort to save others in the house from a fate worse than death, I even risked waddling to the door between liquid explosions to stuff a dampened towel to futilely seal the gap.
Several spiders which had made their home unnoticed in the exhaust fan housing dropped down stone cold dead. Doors slammed as my wife and children instantly became refugees instantly grabbing hats and coats and fled seeking breathable air elsewhere. I was abandoned and left alone to suffer my fate. The peculiar and noxious smell is putrid and penetrating. It is worse than burnt hair.
These disgusting ‘alleged candies' are actually mislabeled ‘prescription only colonoscopy evacuation materials' only one of which is necessary to thoroughly empty any colon prior to scoping. I wouldn't wish these on my worst enemy. Seriously if you are scheduled for a colonoscopy, drop me a line and I will send you 20 of these nuclear option bowel evacuation 100% guaranteed to cleanse your bowels and make you wish for an end to life. Save you money no prescription needed.
3. Night of 1000 waterfalls
Well, I read the reviews...challenge accepted!
Final score - death bears 7...me 0.
You know how amazon gives you things that people also bought with your item...they should include some cottonelle wipes as a mandatory item with this.
My pre-colonoscopy meds were not as effective as the 40 bears I ate.
Why 40 you say? Well, I ate 5 and nothing...10
Nothing. Kept on going. Got a little cocky and ate 10 straight. Now, I'm thinking I've won! 10 more...sure, and 10 more.
It was at this point that I actually read the packaging. It actually says may have a laxative effect.
And here comes the night of a thousand waterfalls.
Don't do the challenge. I thought they were all making stuff up.
4. Like Distant Thunder
It all started at 6 in the morning. The night before one of my hunting buddies had bought these without noticing that they wjere sigar free. He's one of those guys always reading about the effects of food and dieting and stuff, and refused to eat them claiming they would male you gain wait. So he gave them to me.
I was out in the deer woods far from any toilet, or toilet paper. If I could go back in time I would have ran my friend over on tje way, or made sure my parents had never met, because after just 5 or so of these hell bent demon possesd spawn of satan bears, I knew I should have read the comments before taking these off my friends hands.
It all started with A low rumble, like distant thunder, or the mating call of a rhinasurous. I was sure it would scare away any deer with in a 5 mile radius.
But it didn't stop at that.
My intestines began to move inside of me like snakes after eating cherry bombs. My soul itself seemed to be working its way through my bowls. By then I knew I had to get out of that tree stand, but by then I knew it was too late. I made a break for it just as the sun began to rise. I ran like a mad man in a way that I can only describe as a pregnant, ostrich sasqatch women. I had only made it a few yards when Lucifer himself shot out of me like a potatoe tied to a ceiling fan. I crumbled to the ground as I tried to rip off my extremely expensive no-scent camouflage hunting pants, but it was too late. I stayed in that spot for what felt like hours. My life flashed before my eyes, and I relived the time I caught my first bass.
I prayed to God to kick a satellite from the sky to crush me, but my cries for mercy where coverd by the explosions of Satan still coming from my body. The stuff coming out of me would have caught fire if you'd struck a match any where near it.
As I sat with my tormented thoughts, I saw the biggest buck I have ever seen in my life (about a 12 or 14 point) walk slowly past my tree stand. A FLIPPEN PURFECT SHOT. I sat in a puddle of mt own defeat tryimg not to suffacate on the fumes coming from the tainted turds. After what seemed like an eternity I managed to waddle back to my brand new truck, where I had no other clothes, or anything to clean myself with. The smell of my truck and the butt stains left on my once purfect seats will forever torment my dreams. I have gone through an eternity of air fresheners and nothing has worked. When ever someone has to drive with me and they ask what happened to my truck, I tell them a really long story about how I deliverd a calf in the middle of the night.
5. Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
6. Violent laxative
Bought based on ratings. Had a handful, had to take a sick day.
7. These are GOOD FOR LOSING 10 LBS through extreme bowel movements
Worth every cent for April Fools, I bought this these for the guys in my shop. Two other guys that were diabetics knew right away what they were the rest had no clue. I get them , I mediately take them out to the shop and say here you go guys I accidentally order the sugar free on accident have at them. Immediately Clint starts eating them with no effects until after he leaves work, I hear it is date night so he goes to eat with his wife. He spends the whole dinner in the bathroom, he finally received a text saying I paid for the food I'm out in the car waiting, he spent his whole dinner on the toilet. Even on the way back to town he must stop and use their toilet again.
On Monday I find all this out, he thinks it was only bad McDonald's. He continues to eat them on Monday, along with Eric who was absent Friday. Hilarity ensues! The two have handfuls and handfuls. After lunch I hear Eric saying he spent his whole lunch on the toilet and nothing but water is coming out! He tells me this as he's waiting for the bathroom in the shop. I asked him if he's ate the gummies. He says yes, and I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. He immediately knows what's up. At that moment Clint walks out the bathroom, and we both asked him if he's ate the gummies also, he says yes also. I laughed so hard I cry. He still doesn't understand and that's why.
I finally tell them that the sugar-free kind act as laxatives. Both immediately hate me.
It's days later and my cheeks still hurt from laughing so much. As I watch Clint work for the rest of the day, I see he can not so much as lift 5 pounds without the fear of farting or should I say sharting. He moves his work slowly inch by inch, panting heavily after every move. I can see it in his face he hates me so much. Eric on the other hand tells me he spends all day with his ass cheeks sweating, and his belly gurgling. By the end of the day it burns to poop. The rest of the guys tell me I see Clint and aric fighting over the bathroom, and at times prancing like a horse waiting for their turn.
After this is all happened, we warn Austin. Unaffected by the 5 he ate on Friday, he tries to be a badass and takes a handful and stuff them into his mouth. He is unaffected until that evening. He lives in a duplex next to another coworker with very thin walls. The co-worker tells me he can hear him all night long farting like a trumpet and yelling out f*** you I'm going to get you back. This is been the best money I've spent in a long time. And I still have half a bag left.
8. The effects are indeed very real
So I read thru a lot of the reviews here and decided it might be a fun prank item to buy, since I'm an evil human being. I received my 5lb bag two days after ordering. Now I was somewhat sceptical, especially since my own digestive system is fairly robust. It takes some potent stuff to give me the runs. Some laxatives even have no effect on me. So I tried them. I ate 5 bears before bed. Woke up. Nothing. Thought to myself "Pfft these are weak" but they do taste amazing. So I ate approximately 20 more of them that morning.
In less than a half hour, my gut was rumbling. But it was only some gas. Meh. About another half hour passed, then it hit me. Oh boy it hit hard. My gut felt like Chuck Norris had reached his hand up my anus and had roundhouse kicked my insides. I made my way to the bathroom with a brisk walk. Sat down on the toilet. It took a few seconds, but then all hell broke loose. I've literally never had diarrhea that explosive before. Kid you not, I sat there through 5 gnarly explosions before the flood gates opened and about a gallon and a half of pure liquid ran out of me.
I'm a firm believer in this products potential now and I'm bagging up the remainder of my 5lb bag to give to select friends and family. May even leave a bowl of them in the break room at work.
9. Because after several hours all I really experienced was some pretty foul flatulence
I knew what was coming the moment I swallowed one of these villainous bears. I had read the reviews, and I was prepared for the master cleanse. But I really couldn't prepare myself for the pain that was about to ensue. Nobody could possibly anticipate or fathom the hellish nightmare that is the sugar free deliciousness of Albanese Gummy Bears.
I received the 5 pound bag and immediately grabbed a handful of the little guys. Quite honestly, I thought I was immune to their powers, because after several hours all I really experienced was some pretty foul flatulence. Then, I thought that I was hot shit and had FOUR more handfuls. I am not sure what I was thinking. After this, I laid down and began to fall asleep. It was about 9:30 in the evening.
And then it hit.
Noises. Oh my sweet Lord the noises. It sounded like an old jalopy on it's last hoorah. My family thought the dog was fighting with a cat and they were both were on the brink of death. Just truly awful sounds.
Round one hit like a freaking freight train. My feet actually were LIFTED off of the ground. I struggled to hold on. I've watched a lot of rodeo in my day, and the only thing I could think to do was grab onto the bottom of the toilet and ride that puppy out. I wish it was only an eight second ride. Round one was probably more like an eighteen minute ride, but who really knows, because I lost all concept of time for the duration. It briefly slowed down, and thought for a fleeting moment, "Oh my lands, I think the horror is over."
How ignorant I was.
The next noise to come out of me can quite honestly only be describe as if someone stuck a leaf blower straight into a porcelain bowl filled with the blubber of a baby seal on full blast. The acoustics were incredible.
This noise was inevitably the start of what I only could assume to be rounds 2 through 7. For the next 6-8 hours, my body was ravaged, violated, and dare I say maliciously raped by these damn things. I passed food I had eaten as a small child, foods my mother had eaten while I was in the womb, things my mother had eaten BEFORE she was pregnant with me. Literally anything you can think of. It just kept coming. The worst part of the whole deal was that the gummies weren't chewed up like I assumed they would be, because I vividly remember thoroughly masticating the hell bears. These little jokers reincarnated themselves inside of me and plummeted towards my sphincter like a hundred paratroopers jumping right into the heart of the Vietcong. I feared for myself physically. I am not sure how long I sat in agony of the throne that I used to call my happy place. I will forever have Vietnam level flashbacks anytime I look at the white porcelain. I will never be the same after this gummy bear cleanse.
I continued to camp out on the toilet until I mustered up the courage to crawl back to bed. However, when I attempted to stand, my legs buckled from weakness. I fell somehow under my sink. My face was buried in a mysterious pile of pubic hair and small, termite like bugs. Still not sure what that was about. Nonetheless, I was thankful for the pubic pillow God had given me. It was far better than the burning pain of the gummy bears on my sphincters. I stayed in this same position for the rest of the day.
I am currently in physical recovery from this incident, although I will never recover completely mentally. This was a truly awful experience for both mind and body.
I gave his product 5 stars because it did exactly what it was supposed to do and more: the Gummy Bear Master Cleanse for $21. 10/10 would recommend to a friend.
10. There Will Be Blood
So I bought a 5lb bag seeing if these little bastards held up to the Haribo sugar free bears and boy...they did not disappoint. Having 5 is the happy medium, you get to snack on some yummy treats without the worry of soiling yourself. Anything over 5...you're on your own and may God be with you! Full Disclosure: I am writing this review on my toilet, where I have been off and on for the past 3 hours. Today at work, I decided that I would be a brave boy and push the limits of my body. So I ate roughly 25-30 of these cyanide pills.
2 Hours Later
What I can only describe as someone with a voodoo doll twisting me in half, hits me. "Ok boys, I'm headed home" I shout to my coworkers. I make it to my truck as the cramping intensifies. "Manageable" I say to myself, "I can surely make the 15 minute trip home." Approximately 30 seconds later, I am sitting inside of a plastic shopping bag, completely convinced that I will not make it home.
I MADE IT!!! I gingerly walk into my home and up the stairs, all the while the sounds of a horribly executed exorcism are playing out in my twisted up gut. The second that I touch porcelain what can only be compared to dropping a Mentos into a 2 liter of Diet Coke followed. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning. Over the past 3 hours, the eruptions have been coming at a steady pace. My toilet/ass must be feeling what the Allied forces felt like against the German Blitzkrieg.
The horrendous sound of demons screaming in your gut, is like an alarm clock without the snooze button. Do not lollygag when you hear them chant, you just run. And this should go without saying, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES trust a fart! I cannot stress that last part enough. I hope that you heed my warnings and prepare properly. Treat this as if it were a blizzard and stock up on just TP, forget the milk unless you are lactose intolerant and want the ultimate flush.
All in all I give this product 5/5 stars and would recommend this to a friend. I am currently placing an order for another 5lb bag.
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