All Good News

In 2016, at the age of 25, I was newly weened off of adderall, jobless, just graduated with a degree I hated to please my mother, living with my parents after a breakup that shook my up my entire existence, and in thousands of dollars of debt.

It wasn't looking good.

Later that year I decided to get a job part-time since no full-time offers were coming in. I opted for one in the city for my moms friends daughter. Soon after, I got another part time job in another part of the city for a well-known nonprofit. I was now working 5 days a week and deemed worthy by my mom, kind of. The first job I worked for a textbook narcissist. I literally had anxiety everyday going into the office. I've known the woman my entire life and she had so much baggage but put on a front she was gods gift to the world. I don't think anyone is cruel at their core but boy was she cruel on the outer level. Meanwhile, at the part time job for the non-profit I really enjoyed what I was doing. I was using skills I learned to give back to the community and that felt good. I quit the first part time job and told her I had been hired full time by the non-profit and couldn't work there anymore. It's a family tie and I felt that was the best way to handle it given the person she was. She threw more money at me and I just had to say no even though I could've really used it. If I listened to fear, I would've taken the money. But I knew I was being lead to better things. The day I did it I felt lighter. My mom advised against it but I finally realized that I can't listen to her anymore. Her fear steered me down so many paths I wouldn't have chosen myself. And now I have a choice. I'm free to be authentically me and make choices that serve my highest good.

A few months later, I was hired full time by the non-profit. I was thrown into the situation of running finances and we all discovered that I could actually hold my own weight even with the little experience I had. I realized I could do the job of the coordinator just by trying my best and not complaining. I now run the finance department and am very grateful for where I am even though at first when I graduated, I was physically ill and paralyzed by the thought of getting a desk job until the day I died doing something I hated, I'm now at peace and doing good things daily.

In May of 2017 I deleted all my dating apps. I was done with it. 3 days after I deleted them I got a text, "are we still on for Tuesday? I'm so sorry I had horrible luck this weekend with my phone. I broke it on Friday and am using an old one and just wanted to make sure we're still on". It was from a guy I thought ghosted me. He worked 5 minutes away from my non-profit job and decided I would give it one last try. I had no idea what he looked like bc I deleted the app and only had his name as John. I decided to go and that I could bail since it was by work and just go home if it wasn't working. He's my boyfriend now and we moved in together in March. He's the best person I've ever known and we have a built a beautiful life together so far.

I'm reading a book right now called "The Surrender Experiment" by Michael singer which is perfectly synchronistic. It's about how he let life lead him. He wasn't in the driver's seat, he was the conduit. He could only control what he put into his daily actions and the rest wasn't up to him. It's a beautiful book about surrender and I would recommend it to anyone. I'm realizing that I've been practicing surrender in my own way and surrender has lead me to life's most beautiful moments. If I had known now what I knew back then, I wouldn't have panicked like I did. I wouldn't have gotten horribly depressed. I wouldn't have had paralyzing anxiety. Because I now know the universe works in mysterious ways. I can only keep giving life my all and watch what unfolds. I can say yes to opportunity and let the chips fall where they may. I've started to take classes towards self improvement, coaching, and NLP. I know I'm meant to help people on a one-to-one basis, I just don't know how that will happen yet but I now have faith. I now believe that if I try my best each day, opportunity will show up. I got a call out of the blue today to help mentor someone who has been through similar life circumstances without even asking for it. I have a dream of having a center for wellness and healing and miraculously inherited a plot of land upstate this year which was completely unexpected. Things are happening that I couldn't have planned for better if I had tried really hard to force them to. I don't have to force life because I really can't. I can't force timing. I can't force things to happen in the way to expect them. I can simply do my best and see what happens with that.

I'm being lead. I know I am. And I think it's time to stop and pause and realize we are all being lead somewhere, we just can't see the big picture because it hasn't unfolded. Once we stop resisting what is to make room for what can be. Once we align our thoughts, words, and actions towards the person we know we can be, we become who we really are. Everything else isn't up to us. I think the universe will come up with much more beautiful things than we can ever imagine, in a completely different way that we envisioned. If everything worked out exactly as planned, what fun would that be? Where would the miracles be?

Let life unfold. Do your best. Take actions that you intuitively know are good for you. And don't focus on the outcomes because we can't see them until they unfold. Don't focus on the end. Focus on the now. Focus on what you can do in this moment. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.