Brighten Your Day

God hasn't abandoned me. I say this because am still challenged by worldly desires and my pursuit of real love, from Jesus.

I have always lived in fear, anxiety and an eagerness to acquire what my friends have. I look at myself and wonder what am lacking. Why am i not blessed to their capacity?

My ex dumped me a day before my birthday, I couldn't believe it because, this man, was my entire world. I loved..and still partly do love him. I was desperate to find the wrong in me and but I never sought for God's love, so I suffered silently and asked God to take away with the pain. I was depressed not only because of the breakup, but I have and still don't have a job, for three years now. I search everyday and find nothing and that just added to the depression. My parents at the time were struggling with finances and businesses and I was still and still am going through an identity crisis.

So I sought to numb the pain and went out with a couple of friends and ended up in a stranger's house. I wanted to numb the pain with sex but see, God did not abandon me. As badly as i wanted to have sex, something deep inside me told me to stop. And so I did but I felt guilty I felt as though I was not worthy of God's forgiveness because I made a vow to him and told him that I would never have sexual relations with a man other than my future husband. I was ashamed, angry, embarrassed, disgusted...you name it. I was overwhelmed with disappointment in myself. But I made a choice to pray and even though I had no words I said Jesus help me..and I felt a burning sensation in my chest I found myself crying and continued to say it...until I found the words and asked God for forgiveness..and am now at peace.

Life is strange..its supposed to be simple; love to be loved, be kind and you shall receive, be bold and you will be rewarded..but there are obstacles and mountains to climb..but am realizing that without God, without His love and direction. I am nothing.

Reader, am still going through a spiritual warfare, the kind that I constantly have to pray to get over. But God loves me, he has not abandoned me, he never will. He has saved me from suicide, promiscuity, He is currently saving me from severe depression, but I will hit my home run, in God's time and his direction.

God has not abandoned me, He has not abandoned you.