Brighten Your Day

What reminds me of you, well I might not now right now. But that is because I haven't had enough of you in my mind lately to remember that much. But all I remember is the best times I have ever had in my life. The excitement I got when I seen you. My heart beat increasing to a million. But all I can remember is the best friend I have ever had. The first to be there for me when I needed it the most. When I was all alone and I never had this experience before. Fear controlled me just as much as love and the rush I got. All I can remember is the little things that I got myself. I can never forget what you made me feel like. That is the important part of it all. The beauty is not the thing that made you my everything. The smile and the laugh is a big part of it. But the most important of it all was you. You opened up to me and never once pretended to be someone else. And the fact that you let me be myself was even more perfect. I remember the first time I looked at you differently. We were at lunch and I was standing right in front of you, I did it without thinking of it. You were sitting down and I was standing directly in front of you. I gave you a good look from top to bottom and I remember just not thinking of anything except for you for the rest of the day. I didn't look at you like you were sexy or anything. It was more of a look of disbelief. The fact that I could be hanging out with the most beautiful and funny and smart girl I have ever met before who understood me for who I was. I didn't have to change anything about myself.I can't believe that one thing made me think of the rest of the things you were. You were my everything, just too perfect. I still have a hard time believing that you would fall for a guy like me. And that is what made it so hard, I listened to everyone else and let the fear settle in. Once that happened I never took it to the next step. I never meant to do what I did. I was always way to nervous and I had no idea what to do with girls. I didn't even hug you when I seen you before. And this was when I used to hang out with you everyday, for like three months straight. But then that one day I realized that I couldn't take it anymore. So instead of letting you know how much I felt for you I decided that it would be much easier not saying anything to you and shortly after I realized that would not be the case. That was the worse mistake I could have ever made. Not only did it kill me inside, I know it killed you inside. I know there is no way I could ever apologize to you. But you know what you said is the best. I remember one of the things you put on facebook. You said," For as much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel." And whether or not it had any context to what I was talking about doesn't matter. Once I seen that it hit me really hard and I didn't know what to do again. I have always over thought things. I mean being smarter is good, but I have hurt so many people that mean alot to me. Such as you, the main reason I never asked you out or took it to the next level is that I had no idea what I was supposed to do when having a girlfriend. I had never had one before and not only that, but you were a year and a half older than me. Not only were you the first person that I had as a real friend in highschool, you were also the first girl I had really fallen in love with before. It was so weird , I never thought that a girl who introduced herself by talking about a bag of doritos I would fall in love w.ith her. But then there you were. I didn't like you at first, I thought you were cute, but I didn't have the same kind of feelings for you until about two weeks into school starting. I don't know what happened, whether it was your personality. your laugh, your smile, your brains, or you being beautiful, but all I know is that I would not take back meeting you for the world. If you don't understand how much of a difference you have made in my life I can tell you just a few things you effected me with. You taught me way more social skills. I could barely talk to people more or less really cute girls such as yourself. You also taught me how to be myself. I mean I could go on forever, but I know it is not just about the way I felt. I have no idea what I did to your heart, but I could tell that you were in alot of pain. I never meant for anything like that to happen. All just because of fear. I ruined the chances of being with the girl of my dreams just because I could not stand to take any risks. But the thing that hurts me the most was seeing you hurt. I never thought I could do that to anyone, more or less the person I cared the most about. The person I still care about the most. I might never see you again after highschool, hell I might never see you again next year. But I do still care, and whether or not our lives split I still care. You were there for me and I can never forget that. I hope when I am old and on the death bed I remember who you were, just for a second or two. Not to remember any of those things I mentioned. But to remember what you were to me when no one was, what you have always been to me, no matter what I was putting you through, you were always a great friend and you were always there for me. And that is the most important thing I will remember about you. That is the number one thing I teach myself and try to get from each other. It means a million times more to be there for someone than money could ever pay for. And that is the one last thing I have to say. I didn't know that lesson until after I messed up with you. I had been there for you that whole time and when a little fear had came to me I was crushed. I didn't know whether or you were worth risking the friendship I had to build up with you if you said no. I know you would have said yes. But the only issue being that I couldn't get the what if past me. What if has killed off alot of opportunities I would have had for myself. I mean that is one of the things that hurts alot of people in our lives. That is easily one of the biggest things I can say I looked up to from. You weren't afraid to tell me how you feel. I mean I could tell you it took you a while to say anything. But I would have never said anything if it weren't for you. You opened my world. I remember that moment like it was yesterday, you gave it your all. And I could never blame you for anything that happened. I think that is one of the biggest weaknesses of guys. Even though alot of us have excuses for everything, including myself. Any time something happens and it is a big deal we spend all of our time blaming ourselves. Instead of trying to fix the problem that was created. Or the other thing that will always be true, doing something stupid once is a mistake, but doing the same stupid thing twice is no longer is a mistake, it is stupidity. I have made alot of mistakes in my life, but I have learned so much from them. I have learned that the real world is not so friendly. That is why you have been and always will be in my heart. Whether it be for love or for friendship. That is all I ask from my friends, is to be there and to give respect to each other. Being there is the most important thing I have failed to do many times because I was afraid of what other people might say. Or because of what other people have said to me. I probably will go on forever with this. But none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you being an amazing person and just being plain beautiful. I remember that one day when we were sitting there at lunch and we hadn't said anything the whole lunch. I was terrified to say anything, but I know I should have said something. And I did not get lunch because I had butterflies for days in my stomach. I just could not eat when I was around you. It made me sick to my stomach. Easily the most nervous I had ever been until that part of my life. But than you went ahead and said something. Something I never thought that the girl I thought was the dream girl I had been waiting for would say . It went something like this, not an exact quote but here it goes.You said," What kind of girls do you like?" and then I said, " Wait, what, why ?" and "I don't know." Or something like that I was super curious and didn't know what I was going to hear next. But then you said something that was going to make me never forget that conversation ever. You said," What about a girl like me?" And then that is when I blushed super red and I said yes. Or something like that. I remember not knowing what to say or what to do. It was just me being embarrased. I was super excited, but super shocked. And me being ignorant having no idea what to do, I thought the rest would happen naturally. Which it did until when I realized it was my turn to take it to the next level. And when that came I was so scared because I had no idea of what to do. I had little social experience because I went to the leadership training school from sixth to eighth. And I wasn't exactly in my prime either and the hormones just started to hit me. But I could not blame anything for the things I messed up on. Those same things that had blocked me from being who I wanted to be. The things that would have brought me closer to us being we. But as I said earlier I would rather die than forget the times I had with you. Just because of everything you taught me, that is not even including the best time I have ever had in my life. I remember being mad in love with you for some reason. I say that as I don't know why I fell in love with you or something. But being with you was the best thing that had ever happened to me. And it is not like I didn't try anything else when I messed up. But none of those other girls had what you had. You personality. There are a million "beautiful" girls in this world. And this is not just something I wrote because I missed you. I have thought this since the day I realized I messed up. If you want someone who could say whether or not any of these things were true just ask GIO. He was definitely my go to guy and I assume you know that. I know he used to say things to you, and that made me even more nervous. He only recently admitted to me that he was saying things to you. Maybe only once or something. But it doesn't matter. He was just trying to help me. But all the help in the world couldn't change what I did and what I have done. But the thing I will never forget is how you gave me a chance when no one else did. And you liked me for my weirdness, just like how I loved you for your personality. That is what makes me still attracted to you this day. I mean you are a beautiful girl and I still think you are as close to perfect as possible. But the main thing is you are real. And one more thing, whether it be in friendship or in relationship, I don't care, I love you... ..................................... The best 2230 words I have ever wrote ever.