The 8 Types Of Hangovers. I Can Confirm These Are Accurate...

April 29, 2014

Remember the days when you didn't get hangovers after a night of drinking? Me either...


1. Shower And Go

Generally the weakest of hangovers. It comes after three to five drinks the night before. You wake up and realize you reek of alcohol and cigarettes, but this is manageable. You take a quick chug of water, a couple Advil, and a long shower to wash away the filth that somehow collected on your body. You'll be fine in a couple hours. It was all worth it for the smooth buzz you rocked last night.

2. Sunglasses And Move


A great man once said, "Today's a ‘put the sunglasses on and keep moving' kind of day.” That man was right. This is another manageable hangover, which can be cured by Bloody Marys, margs, and a big plate of nachos. Your hangover the next day will be twice as worse, but you're in a jovial mood because you've found yourself in that magical, in-between time of drunk and hungover. You can face the world and everything will be okay after a little bit of the sacrament.

3. Horizontal Hangover

You're hurting but it's not the end of the world. You are definitely not leaving the house any time soon so a day of binge watching Netflix will do.

4. NEVER Drinking Again

This is the dumbest of all hangovers. Of course you'll drink again–you just want everyone to know you're hungover. You need sympathy, but you'll get none. You were the one who ordered those last two rounds of Rumple Minze. You will refuse to check your bank account or the pockets of your pants from the night before.

5. No Shame

You're going to show up to brunch in gym shorts, an oversized T-shirt, and Crocs. You are in such a deep mode of DGAF that the judging eyes of the world cannot penetrate your spirit. You've fully embraced your hangover and are actually enjoying it. You spent a responsible amount of money and the night was a success.

6. Anxiety Attack

You blacked out. You have no recollection of your behavior from the night before and no one is returning your texts. Your world is spinning out of control, and while your headache is gone, you might be dying. You've WebMDed your symptoms and the Internet has diagnosed you with cancer. You're going to die broke and alone...

7. Incurable

You'll try to fight it as much as you can, but this hangover cannot be vanquished. You'll eat an entire bottle of Walgreen's-brand Ibuprofen and drink two bottles of coconut water, but this thing just won't kick. You can't sleep despite being deathly tired and you won't be able to focus on anything. Your body is broken and may never be the same. This will ultimately lead to…

8. The 48-Hour

It's real, kids. So very real. The hangover from your hangover. It's not your typical hangover. It's a cruel mix of dehydration and withdrawal. You took care of yourself yesterday, but this is just flat out unavoidable. You're paying the price in the worst way, and there's seemingly no end in sight. This always happens on Monday. You'll have the shakes, anxiety, and all you'll want to do is crawl back into bed all day. Joke's on you, though. You won't be able to fall asleep. Time is a flat circle.

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