Funny Clean Jokes

My Wife Is Turning 32 Soon...

May 04, 2017 / 38,646 views

So my wife is turning 32 next week. I told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute." "What are you talking...

Wife Sends Her Programmer Husband To The Grocery Store

April 14, 2017 / 35,585 views

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store. She asks him, "Can you go down to the grocery store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." Later on he returns home and she looks at his...

He Asks His Wife 'Where's The Rake?' Her Response Is Gold

April 14, 2017 / 38,558 views

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

April 05, 2017 / 62,202 views

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind...

A Bear Is Chasing A Squirrel In The Woods...

March 24, 2017 / 25,244 views

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods. They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, alright. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you...

A Guy Brags To His Boss That He Know Everyone There Is To Know

March 11, 2017 / 23,357 views

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom...

A Farmer Is Being Interviewed About His Cows

February 23, 2017 / 29,540 views

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black...

A Man Wakes Up In A Dingy Slum And Realizes He's In The Afterlife

February 08, 2017 / 21,261 views

A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he...

A Man Is Lying In Bed In The Hospital Wearing An Oxygen Mask Over His Mouth And Nose

January 30, 2017 / 27,765 views

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,...

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar In Front Of A Bowl Of Pretzels

January 24, 2017 / 19,736 views

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner...

How My Husband And I Terrified A Taxi Driver

January 17, 2017 / 27,883 views

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and a movie. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When...

A Pastor Is Finishing Up His Sermon On Sunday Morning...

January 09, 2017 / 20,631 views

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit. "How many...

A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar...

December 29, 2016 / 22,505 views

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

December 16, 2016 / 25,939 views

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the...

Mom... Dad... I'm Gay

December 09, 2016 / 17,515 views

Son: "Mom, Dad... I'm gay." Mom: Stares at Dad. Dad: Clenches fist. Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely. Mom: "..." Dad: "HI GAY,...

I Hear You Are Extremely Quick At Math

December 02, 2016 / 20,899 views

Interviewer: "I heard you are extremely quick at math." Me: "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am." Interviewer: "Whats 14x27?" Me: "49." Interviewer:...

A Guy Sits Down In A Diner And Asks For A Bowl Of Hot Chili...

November 28, 2016 / 20,015 views

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that...

He Stayed Out All Weekend Without Contacting His Wife. Then He Gets Home...

November 14, 2016 / 19,771 views

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his friends and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he...