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This Is Why Animals Don't Need To Wipe, But You Do

March 28, 2018

Why is it that animals don't need to clean their butts after pooping? But if we don't do it, it gets super irritated.

It's a great question, and thanks to a Redditor named CharmedConflict, we have a good, hilariously-explained answer.

"Alright. Poop talk. Here we go.

Most animals are vegetarian. Lots of fiber. Often their poop forms fecal balls that gently cascade out of the animals anus like some kind of zen pebble garden fountain. Occasionally they get sick, have diarrhea, etc. That stuff stains their fur and irritates their butt. No fun.

Some of us are carnivores. Carnivore poop is many magnitudes grosser than vegetarian poop. That's why you can skitter across a field full of little goat Raisinets with little to no effect, but your cat can clear the room dropping a single turd. Carnivores can make up for some of the lack of roughage by eating the fur and sinew of its prey as well as ingestion of its own fur through grooming. This helps give the poops form as a protein rich diet tends to less like string cheese and more like Go-Gurt.

We are omnivorous, eating whatever tripe the food lobby puts in front of us. Some of us are better about eating roughage, vegetables, etc than others. But often we eat high protein, high carbohydrate diets which means that a lot of people are experiencing the Jackson Pollock shits.

The last element of the deuce equation is that we're bipedal with well developed gluteal muscles that encroach on the anal playing field. It's like trying to play field hockey in a back alley. You can do it, but you're gonna hit the walls a lot. Quadrupeds have a different muscle orientation where their muscle mass is to the side rather than directly behind. We can bypass this anatomic hurdle by doing the deep squat. This brings the gluteals to the lateral and clears the airfield for the bombs to drop. But when you sit on the toilet like a nut on a Hershey bar, looking up cat videos on your phone, your butt cheeks are squeezed together and you can't help but to paint the walls. Furthermore, the commercial block is almost over so you're trying to eject that turd with magnum cannon force all the while reflexively clenching your puckerino, something akin to putting your thumb over the head of the hose and spraying your sister when she's trying to look cool sunbathing with her friends.

So if you're getting a flair in your derrière, eat your veggies, cop a proper squat and relax the cracks."