All Good News

First, some background: I grew up with a loving mother (and father). However, my mother had issues with alcohol; one beer / glass of wine would change her completely. She would say rude things - do many mean things. She would be full of sorrow for a while, ask us for forgiveness, receive said forgiveness, and we all would forget about it. So MOST of the time it was good, but every time she consumed alcohol the stage would collapse.

I grew up under the impression that alcohol did that to everyone. I was around 18-19 when I figured out it affected people differently. Which led me to start enjoying a few beers occasionally! Most of the time I am just a joker when I am drunk. (Although I have had my fair share of trips into darkness under the influence.)

More than ten years has passed since that discovery, and these days it is hard to remember the last weekend WITHOUT alcohol.

Then three months ago, there was a few incidents where I was the person to blame for other people going home sad/angry because I took things too far. That happened some weekends in a row. Waking up and realizing you have turned into a "mean drunk", the one thing you had bad experiences with growing up, - stung me.

By coincidence, I took a sober weekend to be social with the person I am sharing a flat with, and it felt good to wake up a Monday morning - fully rested. I wanted more of that, and the following month had me struggle a lot with inner demons telling me to drink, go out and have fun, not sit at home and be boring. It required a lot of willpower for me to remain sober that month.

I forced myself to go out sober, which was a huge help! Being around drunk people, helped me to see what I am truly like when I am drunk. The yelling, repeating the same sentences, drowsy eyes, etc. I realized I am the same when I am drunk, and that inspired me to continue down the sober path.

The second month was easier. Filled with new energy, a longer fuse, - a clearer mind. I very much liked that, and stretched my goal to 3 months. Which passed some days ago.

Yes, I felt like I completed something important for my health and mind by accomplishing that. I showed myself that I do not need alcohol, and taking a beer last night was different, because I only needed two for the entire night. Looking back, I have regained a lot of respect for myself.

I will remain sober most of the time, but I will have a few beers occasionally. Just not every weekend, and certainly not hundreds while I am at it. After all, I enjoy a night of heavy metal in good company, and sometimes that will include a beer or two.