This Mom Wrote 'A Baby's Letter To Santa' Listing What They REALLY Want For Christmas

December 1, 2015

If you have kids, you know all the things they were constantly getting into as a baby. This mom wrote a very funny post about it as a letter to Santa from a 10-month-old...

baby christmas list funny
Credit: The Ugly Volvo

Written by Raquel D'Apice for The Ugly Volvo

Dear Santa,

I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want. I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups.

And I know you're ready to make the joke about ten month-old babies and how all we want is the wrapping paper and the boxes. Touché, Santa. Touché. We do, of course, want those things. But I have a number of additional things I want very badly.

My list is enclosed below. Have a lovely holiday.

- Ten Month-Old Baby

Dearest Santa: For Christmas, I would like the following:

1. This Laptop Cord

baby christmas list funny

I want this laptop cord more than I have ever wanted anything. Please. I also want the power strip with the orange on/off button and the white label on the other cord pictured (the one not connected to the laptop). I would be ok with just a bunch of electrical cords in general, but I would really love these specific ones that are located behind my mother's desk next to the air-conditioner (whose cord I also want).

2. This Wall Mount Entertainment Center

baby christmas list funny

I have no idea why my mother does not want me to play with this thing, as it is obviously a child's toy. I would like one for my room.

3. House Keys

baby christmas list funny

I would love a set of house keys. To eat, obviously. Only metal house keys will do. Please do not buy me plastic ones. I am not an idiot. I know that plastic house keys are not real keys.

4. Everybody's Eyeglasses

baby christmas list funny

I pull these off the face of every person I meet, only to have them pried from my fingers and reclaimed by their original owners. I would love a pair of my own. Again, these are going to be for eating.

5. The Contents of This Thing

baby christmas list funny

I would love for the contents of this thing to be emptied out onto the floor- particularly things like used, wet cotton balls and discarded pieces of floss. If you would like to just take the contents of this bin and transfer it directly into my stocking, that would also be fine.

6. Handfuls of the Dog's Fur

baby christmas list funny

This stuff is the best. I keep trying to pull it off but she moves frequently, making collection difficult. My favorite thing to do with it is put it in my mouth and then immediately realize that I didn't want it in my mouth.

7. The Hole in the Hallway Floorboard

baby christmas list funny

Such a strange existential dilemma. I spend hours looking at this hole and poking at it with my fingers. I know that I cannot "have" a hole, as a hole is not a thing that can be had. A hole is an absence. And yet this is supposed to be a list of the things I want, and I want this hole in the hardwood floor the way Gandhi wanted peace. The way the dog wants to lick my face. The way my mother wants me to stop pulling off her eyeglasses.

8. This Stuff, Which Is All Over the Apartment

baby christmas list funny

I have no idea what this stuff is. All I know is that I want it in my hands and no sooner have I grasped its sweet, delicate softness than my mother comes running over yelling something like, "STOP TOUCHING THAT -- HOW OFTEN DO I HAVE TO VACUUM THE G*#@&MN HALLWAY?"

9. The Dog's Food

baby christmas list funny

Every time I get close to this, someone pulls me away. If they don't want me to eat it, why is it on the floor?

10. One of These

baby christmas list funny

No idea what these do, but it's clearly a lot of fun, given that my mother never stops looking at it.

11. Bobby Pins

baby christmas list funny

These are my favorite! If I had a nickel for every bobby pin I found on the floor I'd have double the number of little metal things I could put in my mouth because, go figure, I also totally love nickels.

This was written by Raquel D'Apice for her humorous parenting blog, The Ugly Volvo. Follow The Ugly Volvo on Facebook to stay updated with fun articles like this one!

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