Brighten Your Day

Today. Today was one of those days where you're at the verge of tears, practically at any moment I could have exploded. Gas tank had 3, maybe 4 notches. Only ramen in the home. Landlord is freaking out over late rent (for an extremely overpriced apartment, so infested with cockroaches that even if we had food, it would have to go in the freezer, but they get in there too) Fiancé was just released from the hospital from another Crohn's flare up yesterday, which his symptoms were different, and actually we thought it could have been from the cockroaches. I knew both of my upcoming paychecks would have to go directly to our slumlord to avoid eviction, which means no Christmas presents under my 18” Christmas tree bought exclusively from that good ol' Dollar Tree. OH and our dog ran away, we were helpless to how quickly he can run, he was just nicked by a vehicle, had the driver not slowed down, I'd probably be burying my best friend today. Your odds of catching him are so slim, you'd have better luck catching a wild deer, honestly.

My fiancé and I spent the better half of our day arguing about finances. Where could we possibly cut spending? The only place I “treat myself” is at The Dollar Tree. And, when I do, it's $10-20 worth of random things for the home, or beauty and bath products. I felt defeated. You know, that feeling when you're working every possible hour your boss offers, shopping for bare necessities, depressed, and somehow still smiling at work, but you feel like you're working simply to pay for a home you can't even spend time in, because 80% of your time is dedicated to work, then on top of it, your home is making you literally sick? It hasn't helped that I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ovarian cysts at 27. Just now figuring out why is it that I'm having infertility? Things have been hard the past few days, months, so on.

But today. It's a normal day at work. It's dinner time, and I'm not feeling particularly hungry (this is usually the first sign that a PTSD and depression funk is about to hit really bad.) Meals are catered into the facility, which is an apartment like community for those with higher functioning developmental disabilities. We usually do our before meal conversation, then each resident prays. I'm not religious in this way, but I absolutely respect the values they hold at my employment. We finish dinner, and a higher up approaches me, and hands me a red envelope. I figured it'd be a simple Christmas card. But when I opened it, there were a few hundred dollars worth of gift cards to the local gas station, grocery stores, and even cash. It was $250. It may not seem like a whole lot to some, but this absolutely brought me to tears. This meant REAL food, this meant I could finally buy a coat, we could even get gas! In the card was a thoughtful note about hard times. I sat in the office for a while and just looked at it and cried. Something so simple that meant so much to me. I feel as though I really am trying my hardest, but when it rains, it pours. I can't seem to ever get my head above the water, but today, today I could breath at the end of the day.