In This Time Of Sorrow - A Reflection
By Antonietta Gutierrez • December 31, 2015
It's that time of the week, I'm feeling inspirational so I am gonna post. I would like to thank all who read my short story The Importance OF BEING YOURSELF I didn't think there would be over 250 shares!!!. It warms my heart and it gives me hope. By just sharing through something as small as facebook gives me the most incredible feeling. You readers make my day. I'm only in middle school, but writing has become my way of coping. Thank you for all your encouragement. When I'm feeling low and lonely I look to sunnyskyz to make me smile and it never fails.
January 4th marks the one year anniversary of my father's death. Looking back at the past year my life has changed drastically. I cannot describe how hard it has been for me mentally and physically but this has all been a blessing in disguise. I have come to the realization that I will never be able to accept why this happened and understand how god took him this way. But I have also realized, life goes on. Whether or not you want to move with it. For a long time I suffered in silence. I felt as if I was running in circles. i felt like I was treading on one spot for hours. I kept my tears to my sleep and my loneliness in my bedroom. I contemplated suicide one too many times but I could never bring myself to do it. I don't think I'm alive because of who I am or even my strength but rather or my spirtuality. My dad since his last breath has been my driving force, my motivation to keep going and living with purpose. When grief hits you, many ask "WHY?", "HOW?"!
The truth is, there are no answers and there will probably be no reasonable one's to heal for a long time. But there are ways to cope. For me I have been blessed to be a dancer, flutist and writer. After his death, I coped by keeping myself busy with mainly school. But I tried not to think about it, I pushed it all away and sometimes when I had time for myself the pain would creep in and I would break. Slowly I began channeling all that pain into dance. Dance became my safe haven, my world and the stage was where i felt most alive. I didn't think anyone could take that feeling away. As a fairly new dancer, I haven't experienced much criticism. I recently performed at my school's winter concert for one of my classmate's who is dealing with a rare illness. I dedicated the dance to her and my dad. I had only a week. Everyone knew what I was feeling and they laughed, smirked and made rude comments. In my life I have been able to deal with many idiots like that but when I was at the point where I was feeling so much pressure, grief, and exhaustion I went quickly from happy to rock bottom. That two weeks ago, was my worst breakdown. my anxiety kicked in for the first time and my heart was racing. My head was pounding and this indescribable feeling kicked in. I felt like i was having a heart attack. Four of my friends came to my aid. What they said to me was one of the kindest things anyone has ever said. in all this time that I thought people forgot I was still dealing with his death as if it were yesterday and judging me as if they didn't see how hard I work for everyone else they lifted me up. I will never forget what one of them said to me. "Honestly You are so beautiful because of your heart and beautiful mind. You have more kindness than some will ever have, and you work so hard. I saw how much that dance meant to you, especially how it connected with your memories. It made me cry, that is how incredible you are. Those idiots talked because they couldn't do what you did up there. They don't have anything good you have and they will never amount to anything. All your fake friends who acted like they gave a damn are also idiots. I can sense and I know you will be someone amazing one day. you will inspire others and others will look up to you. Did you see the kindies who were in aw of how amazing you were. Haters are your fan club. Truthfully without them, we wouldn't be great. Believe me, you have strength beyond belief."
Surround yourself will people like her who never under estimate you. I am so proud of how much I've been able to accomplish and I know I will keep going just as my dad would have wished. I know I may be so tired on some days and it won't easy but my dad's memory lives one in all the hearts he touched, especially mine. He is my guardian angel. Forever and always. I can't wait till I meet you again daddy. I love you.
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