A Thousand Questions

By Ms. D • November 7, 2016

To dream as big as you want is allowed. Mine, is just simple that I always based it on my so called "love principles".

For example, I always wanted to see my mother and my father happy. That, I always loved to see myself helping others. It's not just simple, it's also common. As being medical professional, my heart was shaped in 3 things to help, to love and to help. Here's how my journey begins:

I started working in a government hospital. I am good in nursing and as well as laboratory works (having 2 degrees, that's why). I also serve the lord and never stop offering him my love. He blesses me everything I need but not all that I want (that's okay). He blesses me not so perfect but strong family. He blesses me pretty face (that's what my mother told me :) ) But, one day He gave me something that I started to asked him questions that I don't need to do. He gave me Infectious disease. "Great! I am a medical person lord! Why!?" The tears running down my cheeks is a tears of hatred. In short, my family help me, one good doctor treated me. My dream of going to other country postponed, he treated me for 1 year.

Then, 1 year is over! I was able to work in one of the Asian countries. I never get it as easy as you thought, they asked me so many things, I did so many procedures just to be with that company. Truly, God can help you even if you see and think that there will be no other way but to give up. He will send angels, true people that will understand what you are and who you are, really.

My life has been good and I helped so many people, my family is happy. I assure that my works in the laboratory will always helped the company, that I will always finished my job well in the eyes of bosses. "Ohh, great lord! I can buy what I want, I can eat what I love to eat and I can do whatever I wanted to do! I travelled! "

My company appreciated my job (I am floating in the air!) They feature me to their magazine. My mother was so happy and proud of me.

I never thought that, these things will lead me to the scariest thing that will ever happen in my life! And waht is that, I become stressed, depressed and tired. Stressed because of loads of work after a promotion, depressed because some of the people around me are not happy with my achievements that they dragged me down (some are my friends, I thought) and tired because I kept fighting on things that is not in my control.

What happened, then? My infectious disease returned! Boom! This time, it's worst, terrible and get all the things that I had. I lost my job which I love most doing, my happiness lost and most of all the love that I have in my heart turned to hurts and anger.

I asked God "why me? I never tasted a cigarette, never did I drink alcohol and I didn't slept late in my whole life."

But God didn't answer. He was so quite that it irritates me so well. I fought that sickness and feeling of hurt everyday! Every hour! I never asked Him to heal me that time, instead I begged him to just let me go. It was easy to say that to him because I can't remember one single day that I did something that will God lead me to this infectious disease again.

I am taking 16 medicines in a day. I am with those drug addict, alcoholics and abusers everytime I went to that center.

I can see my mother's tears and I hate it because seeing it makes me think that I have to fight, and I don't want to hear my sister giving me support because hearing it makes me strong again. I dont want to live, my heart is not responding to anything anymore.

Then I asked again lord "did I really deserved this?" He never, ever say anything or I should say he never really cares.

My mother celebrated her 60th birthday with me in my bed washing my hands and feet while I was lying in my sick bed. It really hurts. That hurt is different that until now I can't forget. She's supposed to be celebrating and enjoying that time but what I gave her is suffering and sadness.

"Is that what you want to happen to me, lord!? After one year, he still not answering to my questions. But, He made me strong again, he gave me blessings again, he let me go to Switzerland and enjoy it with my family, he let me marry and now I'm having a child.

I learned so many lessons and I learned it in a difficult way. He changed me. He gave me a heart not just full of love but a heart as hard as a stone.

Yes, God I thought, didn't hear what I asked him and never cared for me when I wanted him to say something. And now I know why. Because he is so busy... busy changing me for the better, busy in listing bigger blessings for me and most of all HE IS BUSY LOVING ME THAT TIME THAT I LOST HIM.

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