Between Then And Now

By Fiah Lisondra • July 20, 2015

The past. Probably the one place I dreaded to go. One: it does not always offer the best memories. Two: regrets and broken promises. Three: it cannot be undone. Every time I am confronted with it, always I feel my heart begins to skip a beat, a lot of thoughts starting to creep in and they are not always pleasant. Such a negative approach to something that is very much a part of me.

After scanning through my Facebook account and reading something about it, I came to review my reactions toward it. I attribute my respond to being scared of going back to brokenness, heartaches, pains, chances lost, bad decisions, wrong choices, scared to open old wounds. A gamut of negative vision comes at a rapid speed that at times i end up being lost, confused, sad, aching and longing and feeling bad. When someone from that closed part comes back to me, when someone I know brings to mind what happened then, I start to cringe at the inevitable. Being reminded about "Then".

However, I seem to forget, that in that past were happy memories too, of difficulties conquered, of challenges I've overcome, of love shared, of beautiful moments. In my fear, I concentrated my energy on the negative instead of being delighted because they happened. Albeit the past do not always give the best feelings, yet because of it I have something to hold on. Something intangible that is cemented in my being.

I forgot that because of it, i learned to make better choices, I became stronger, now I appreciate what I have. I have to give myself credit for being brave even if I make mistakes along the way.

Being young and naive caused me to leap without minding the outcome. I swear there are decisions I am willing to take back the first chance I got but it's the least I could ask. I can only move forward and learn and hope that i do not make the same mistakes I did then. Though the past could be tainted with unwanted colors but I cannot deny that they painted interesting hues to an otherwise boring canvass. Those bold and brave strokes are necessary to build a strong picture of today. Each color is crucial in making me understand some things in it, even at that time there is no way of knowing what it means. But who really needs to understand an abstract painting? I can interpret it differently from what it truly is. Or I can just let it be, celebrate it for all the world to see. I have the world as my museum, willing to see my scars and bruised parts but I stand tall because that past shaped me, helped me to be where I am today. And what's great about it is, I have tomorrow to redeem myself again and again.

Today I look up to heavens and thank God for what had been, instead of being bitter, I am only happy that they happened. For a chance to love, commit mistakes, stand again... For unlimited favors and graces. For blessings I sometimes overlook and I am extremely grateful for making me realize that there is something to be thankful for "Yesterday"

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