Her Husband Told Her He Doesn't Want Kids. And That's Perfectly Okay
January 4, 2017
If you're on the fence about having children, read what this woman wrote - especially the last three sentences...
Image via Shutterstock
My husband and I were talking about having a baby a few years ago. There were even a few nights I almost tossed out my birth control.(NOT throwing them out behind his back, but both us deciding for me to stop taking them.) I had a rather extreme case of baby fever.
Looking back, I'm glad we didn't.
After a death in the family, we put our plans on hold. We just stopped talking about it.
Recently, I enrolled as a surrogate and will be doing a transfer in the next month or two. We joke about telling people "its not ours!" When they congratulate us.
One stipulation of being a surrogate is being sure you are done having your own kids. Even as we filled out forms, we weren't 100% sure.
I have two kids from a previous marriage. My husband is an excellent stepfather. However, my kids are at an age where they are very demanding and frustrating a lot of the time.
Last week he didn't work, so he watched the kids so I didn't have to take them to daycare. I came home and saw him cooking lunch, looking tired.
"I don't want another kid." We laughed and I said "OK." He said kids are by nature, selfish, and he doesn't want to raise another one. I hugged him and said it's okay, that to me, we have kids together even if they aren't his blood.
Truth is we've been on the fence for a while now, and to finally make that decision, "no more", was a relief.
Not sure what my point is aside from reproductive choices aren't always set in stone. If you end up changing your mind, you haven't "let anyone down" or "disappointed" anyone. You've simply changed your mind. That's it.
Children are exhausting, take a lot of work. No one should feel forced into a decision.
If you and your spouse disagree, talk it out, go to counseling. If having a child is an absolute must for someone, and you aren't on board, then have a serious discussion about the option of parting ways.
And in some cases, you may feel cheated. "Well he/she used to want kids!" But now, they don't. You have a right to be upset, but no right to coerce them into being on the same page.
We are raised with this notion that you get married and have kids. Simple.
But its not simple. Kids aren't for everyone. Some plans just do not involve it.
My aunt and uncle never had kids, and they go on a cruise three times a year, vacation to other countries once a year, are about to retire before 60. Things I probably couldn't do if I wanted. Whose to say which of us made "the right choice"?
I have a friend having her third child soon. Jobless and single and stuck. Whose to say she isn't happy though?
Just because I have two kids already doesn't mean there's an absolute need to have another with my husband just so "he has one of his own."
And just because he doesn't have one of his own doesn't mean he cant feel fulfilled by raising his stepchildren.
Families are not one size fits all.
You know what will be best for you. And sometimes, that changes.
And that's OK.
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